This is one of my favorite posts on the "hard" transition of adoption. Oh, you didn't know adoption was hard? Well it is (I know we make it look easy, but that is
God's Hand). It is also a beautiful blessing; so don't let the hard stuff scare or scar you.
Courtesy Courtney Mom to 9!
Monday, April 19, 2010
This post is going to be a doozy. I have written it and rewritten it, again and again. Because I know what I want to say. But, I don't know how to put it altogether and have it come across in the way I intend. Part of that is that I want people to adopt. I don't want fear to stop them from doing it and I certainly don't want what I write to inhibit people from moving forward.
So, if you haven't adopted yet, you may just want to stop reading. Or if you have adopted, but your adoption has been bliss and your child has never had any issues, you may as well stop right here. Because you aren't going to get this. And you can't get it, unless you are living it.
If you have adopted a child that has attachment issues then continue on........ At one time or another every parent of a traumatized kid has asked themselves the same question.
Why can't I love my adopted child? If you tell me you haven't said it out loud or at least thought it, then either ....
A. You don't have a kid with attachment issues and your kid is just one of those kids that came out of trauma unscathed. (which like never happens)
B. You are lying.
C. You are in denial.
If we are being honest, all of us parenting these kids have asked ourselves this question.
And since we are being honest, I am struggling hardcore right now with loving one of my kids. I don't think I need to say who it is. The truth is, I have struggled at some point or another to love all three of my adopted children.
I have read all of the books. I have talked to many adoptive parents. Have done all kinds of therapy. I have prayed until I had no breath left to pray. And one day it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
You can't love behaviors.
Did you get that?
You can love people. But, you can't love behaviors. It is impossible. Trust me. I have tried.
And what has become clear as day to me is that the child I am struggling with at the moment, isn't acting or being the child God created him to be. Right now, due to all he has endured in his little life, he is just a lump of behaviors.
Can you love a lump of behaviors?
NOPE.
So, first of all, stop beating yourself up. Stop feeling guilty. And stop trying.
YUP. Stop trying.
No one can love behaviors. We can love people. We can love the person under all of the behaviors. But, we can't love the behaviors. And right now, you aren't seeing the person under the behaviors. In fact, you are so in the thick of it, that all your child is - is his or her behaviors.
Sure underneath that - way down deep - buried - where no one can see and no one has dared to go - is your child. The real, wonderful, amazing little person just waiting for someone bold enough, courageous enough to find them.
I mean think about it. If the very first time you met your spouse, he spit food in your face, screamed and yelled at the top of his lungs, manipulated you, fabricated tall tales, peed his pants, stole your wallet, and then professed his love to some other woman right in front of you.... would you have fallen in love with him? Would you want to take him home to meet your parents? Would you even be attracted to him? Or would you have run the heck out of there as fast as you could?
I know adopting a child is nothing like dating your spouse. But, as humans, we tend to fall in love with the good in a person. And even though our spouses are flawed, we see past the flaws to the heart and that is the part we love.
So, what happens when you adopt an adorable little one and get them home and they are raging lunatics and you can hardly see one good quality about them? I will tell you what happens. You will find it very hard to fall in love. And if you are staring at your kid right now nodding your head yes, then you are not staring at your child. You are staring at a big 'ol lump of behaviors.
What do we do?
Do we give up? Do we cry? Do we wish we could take it all back and send this kid somewhere else?
Maybe.
And if that is where you are at right now, please don't feel bad about it. I have so been there. It is normal to feel that way. You are not alone. You are not some horrible, awful person. You are human.
The good news is.......
God knows who your little person is under all of those behaviors. He loves your little person more than there are words to express. He sees through the layers and layers of mess, right to the heart of who your child really is, and He loves him. He loves him, even when you can't.
Why is this good news? Because you are off the hook. You don't have to keep feeling guilty. You can just let God do all of the loving and give your little one over to Him. He is the perfect parent. You are just the vessel He wants to use to let that love be known.
Your child is waiting for someone to come along who will be bold enough to wait. Your child may not know this, but in the very deepest part of every human is the desire to love and be loved. Somewhere way, way, way down deep, there is a little soul crying out for love. But, he is so afraid. So very afraid of that love that he will stop at nothing to prevent you from seeing it.
And so, what you get is a lump of very frustrating, extremely mind boggling, over-the-top-makes-you-think-you-are-going-insane behaviors.
Up until now, no one stuck around long enough for your child to heal. No one was there to help this child uncover what is lurking beneath. No one cared enough to try. Except for you. And if you are willing to commit yourself for the long haul, then you will have the privilege of one day seeing the beauty that has been hiding under all of the pain. If you are bold enough to wait it out, strong enough to let God do the loving, and committed enough to hang on, your child will emerge.
How do I know this? Because Mikie and Galya were once lumps of behaviors. It took three years. Three long years of some pretty yucky stuff. Some pretty lonely times. Some really gut wrenching feelings before we started to see them emerge. And I can tell you without a doubt that it was worth every second of struggle to get to where we are right now.
They are beautiful. They are smart. And they are completely capable of giving and receiving love.
Trust me when I tell you, they are easy for me to love. It isn't work. It isn't forced. It is natural, attached, healthy love between parent and child.
A very wise friend said to me today as I vented my frustration with one of my kids- "My weak love is better than no love at all." How true is that? So maybe you are really struggling to love this crazy lump of behaviors sitting next to you today. Maybe you feel totally inadequate at this moment. It's okay.
My advice to you is this..... Stop trying. Give your little lump to God. Let God's perfect love pierce through the layers of behaviors. Rest in knowing that you don't have to do anything, but allow God to do His work.
Persevere.
Be bold enough to say you are not going to quit until your child is ready to let you in. Be strong enough and committed enough to lay your feelings aside and saddle up for the bumpiest ride of your life.
Then turn to your child and tell them "I am not going anywhere. I am here for the long haul. For as long as it takes I will wait. I will be here. I won't leave. I won't abandon you. No matter how bad things get, no matter what you do next, I am here. And when you are ready to let me love you, I will be here waiting."
....and it said "I love you mom", scribed on a post it note...(a message from one of my recovered lump of behaviors)
